You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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