You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
