I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
