Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
