i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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