No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
