wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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