Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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