she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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