in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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