i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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