his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
