I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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