Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
