U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
