On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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