where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
