You can't special order awesome
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
