can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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