I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
