i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
