We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
