She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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