My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
