dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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