My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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