my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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