My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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she told me i tasted like america
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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