yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
