see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
