Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
