My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
