I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
