none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
