The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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