Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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