i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
