my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
