I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
