It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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