they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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