Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
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Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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