just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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