not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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