Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
