Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS