I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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