Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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