if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
