Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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