maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Vodka?
Forever.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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