I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
