If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
