I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
