It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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